Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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