What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
