you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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