is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
