I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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