It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
