my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
