someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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