I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
