I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
