Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
