and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
