Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's official drugs can't kill me
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
