Swine flu is the new snow day.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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