you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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