Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
