She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
