Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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