You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
