I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
