My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
