Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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