4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
