I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
