I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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