I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Randomize
