ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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