pop tarts are not kleenex
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
