I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
