it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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