I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
