there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Hippo gnu deer
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
