I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
