Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
