I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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