Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
