Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
