I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
