You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it's like heaven, but drunker
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
