"it" just moved
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
