He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
