I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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