Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
