I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
