3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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