I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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