my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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