I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
