Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
