I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
