Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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