just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
