just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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