I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you had me at cake vodka
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
