OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
