i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We left an ass print on the piano.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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