And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
