he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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